A Noble HP Fanfic Mockery Indeed
by FuriousYak
Summary: A horrid mix of the sad, mad, and bad fanfics I have read, dabbed with what I hope is humor, and possibly sarcasm. Read and reveiw!
1. The Horrible Beginning

A Noble HP Fanfic Mockery Indeed  
  
Author's note: All Harry Potter characters and settings appearing in this fanfic parody of fanfics obviously do not belong to me, but to JK Rowling. They are her, origional ideas, and there can be no mistake about it. Alright? Good. (But the sorry Mary-Sues I can take the blame for!) Authors other note: I have no spell check, but maybe I didn't misspell anything.  
  
An Explaination Once upon a time, in the not-so-little land of Fanficdom, that spread across many internet sites, there were droves of horrible HP fanfictions scouring the kingdoms' reputations. These fanfictions were filled with sickly Mary-Sues, terrifying pairings, one-dimensional characters, bad plots, and poor writing skills. So, a few noble but sarcastic and cynical citizens began to create: Parodies. These tales helped the little readers handle the sly, painful attacks of pathetic fanfics. This is one such fanfic parody. Enjoy.  
  
Part One: The Horrible Beginning  
  
Saphirra Almondcrunch was sitting in a compartment with her friends on the Hogwarts express. A few days ago a letter had arrived by owl, telling them that they were all magical after all, and that they would go, as new 6th years, to Hogwarts, as opposed to an nearer, US school. Why? Um, well....erm...you see the thing is...uh...Shut up! That's why. Anyway, Saphirra was gazing at her "lovely" (scary) image in a mirror. She had honey-teal eyes, and curly tangerine-ruby-brown hair with streaks of blond. Her friend, Marian "Mar" Silverwhisper Xarlain pushed her out of the way fluffing her 6-foot-long, black hair, and fluttering her ice-violet eyes. "Hey! Stop getting in my way! You only want to look all nice for that red- haired boy we did saw on the way to the train! He looked major evil to me!" "Well you are only looked in this mirror to look pretty for that four-eyes boy!" "Noooooo..." She replied blushing. This is all very boring and hard to visualise the weird colors, so the scene cuts to our favorite trio. Red- Hair and Four eyes looked at Hermione quizzically. "WHAT?! HERMIONE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE SHOULDN'T BE SO MEAN TO MALFOY?!" Cried Ron, positively spitting with rage. Harry didn't say anything. He was too busy thinking angst-y thoughts, that would make entire paragraphs worth of confusion as to what he was talking about. Back to Hermione. Hermione had become Head Girl, and Draco Head Boy, and when Hermione found out she became very upset, but slowly she realised something: Her brain had been removed. Oops! Did I give too much away? I ment that she went through a rapid personality change, straightened her hair, was allowed to wear todays most modern clothes under her new robes, (Never mind that their 6th year is in 1996, as I, as a fanatic calculated.) and she was smitten by Draco, who we all thought was spoiled jerk who was also a majorly biased against muggles, and mudbloods, but he went through a personality change too.  
  
Draco was, at that moment, breaking up with Blaise Zambini, possibly because of a big question: Is Blaise a boy or a girl? (I have seen sorry fanfics taking both sides, so I will not ponder the question.) Draco slammed the compartment shut as he left it to weep, or stew, or wonder. And Draco walked into the next compartment, to break up with Pansy. This is understandable, but not to Pansy, who will continue to beleive they are together.  
  
TUNE IN LATER, FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! (Meaning: Tired of writing, because I never learned touch-typing, making writing this very time-consuming.) 


	2. The Repulsive Arrival at School!

Author's Note: Okay, more o' the same notes as last time! More pointless parody! (Oh yeah, this is compiled from actual, barely changed fanfic plots. Yup.)  
  
The Repulsive Arival at School!  
  
Harry was suddenly alone in the compartment, and Saphirra came in and sat next to him. Harry looked over at her. Hermione and Draco were no where in sight Harry thought one-dimensionally, "Hmmmmmm! Since I are here, and she are here being purty, I wills kiss her! " He did so, and Mary-su--(oops!) SAPHIRRA didn't protest, or say anything, even though they had not met. Ginny burst in and wept, "Oh, Harry, I wuv you! How could you?!!!" Harry was so surprized, he had amnesia. The first person he saw was Saphirra Almondcrunch, so he fell in love.  
  
"Who am I? Am I Harry Potter? That's what is written on my shirt tag, so I guess that is my name. Harry Fruitoftheloom Potter! Wow! But...I seem to remember something............Something, important. I will remember later." Why was Harry reading his shrirt tag? Is fanfic-Harry dumb enough to wear it backwards? They started to kiss again.  
  
The Author now is beginning to HATE this monstrosity they have created.....  
  
They soon arrived at the school. (Not at the Hogsmede station!) .....and they stepped inside to the feast. Everyone turned at the gloriousness of Saphirra Almondcrunch, and some bowed. She seemed to glow, with her confussing hair, and flowing, blowing, silk gown of either blood red, or ultra-blue, but maybe hypnotic purple...let's go with, hmmmm, ultra-blood- purple. Yeah. With a silvery white cape. Wind came from nowhere to show off her strange dress. Her eyes flashed at a mysterious student no-one had ever noticed before, and she glared. The student glared back, looking evil, and hiding their right hand.  
  
"Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudents! Listen to me!" Said Dumbledore, standing. "Allow me to introduce Saphirra Almondcrunch, who is very smart and super-powerful, and be exchanging here from America, and just learned she was a witch, and is my grand-daughter! I'm old, so I must have a grand- child! Am I married? Me not care! I is ooooooollllldddddd, and know EVERYTHING! Oh yeah, with Saphirra, comes an undetermined amount of other US kids! All sixth year! Time for sorting! Thank goodness there are no new 1st years, cuz I get so bored with them. Now for the cool exchange students! I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Slytherin!" Dumbledore shot a spitball at the Slytherins' table and sat down.  
  
The first one was "Sugar-Rose Black" Harry, who had seated himself at the Gryffindor table, gasped "I didn't know that Sirius had a kid! " (HEY! What about the amnesia? Well, this is hyper-odd-amnesia. It only affects things that fit in with this horrible plot.) She went to Gryffindor.  
  
Next: "Dreamysue PetalForest" (Wait a tick! A,B,C,D...hmmm) Gryffindor!  
  
Rajella Thunderstormy: Gryffindor....  
  
Fenny DitsyCute: Gryffindor...  
  
Mysterio Mapletree CuteGuy: Gryffindor (Hey, a boy! )  
  
Evilla Darkemerald Stabintheback: Slytherin. (What a surprize)  
  
  
  
Well, this here is the climatic point, just before we sort the main-Mary- Sues, so, yadda-yadda-yadda, an undeterminened number of students is sorted, and: TUNE IN LATER, FOR MORE HORROR!!!!! (Owwww, writer's cramp....) 


	3. The Ghastly New Hat

A/N: Hey, another chapter, a another few brain-cells, eh? Well nothing much to say, except, blame one of my associates for the Hat Rap. Okay?  
  
Da-da-da-da! Three or 11 more Sues later, and after Saphirras friend had been sorted into Gryffindor (Don't worry, There are enough Mary-Sue descriptions I can give you guys later) Finally it was time for the star attraction, who was busy kissing Harry because she was in love with him. Obviously due to the fact that Harry's amnesia was so bad it made Saphirra in love with him too. "Almondcrunch, Saphirra!" Mcgonagal called even though she called the others first name first again. Saphirra stood up, straightening her cape. "Because Saphirra is so beautiful, it would be a shame for her to wear such a dingy ugly stinkhat" McGonagall threw the sorting hat out the window with a look of disgust, she promptly wiped her hands off on Snape's robes, Snape made an ugly face and tried to bite her. She was smitten. So was Hermione. Meanwhile, Dumbledore was pulling out a brand new hat! Decorated by red hearts, shining stars, lucky horseshoes, lucky-duck clovers, and beautiful bouncing-blue moons! Dumbledore cleared his throat "This hat, instead of containing the essence of the three boring boring school founders, especially SMELLtherin" Dumbledore splashed water in Snape's face and then threw the empty goblet at that "dreamboat" Malfoy, who was breaking up with the reincarnation of Tom Riddle's little sister. Far in the back, Hermione cried out in horror, either from Snape's wetness, or Malfoys concussion. "Like I said: instead of having a boring boring bunch of ooooollllddddd dead oafs to be made the kids go to our favrittist hose Gryffindor and the stupid Slytherin, we have a hat possessed by: P PUFFPANTS DIDDLY DING DANG DOOFUS! The greatester rapper on the whole earth!" As Dumbledore set the fancy new hat (that was better than the old smelly hat) down on the table, a CD player opened wide in the hat and began to RAP: The hat rap  
  
by P puffpants diddly ding dang doofus  
  
aired: Harry's 6th year YO WASSUP!? I'M A ROCKIN COOL HAT VOOP VOO VOO VOO VOO VOOP VOO VOO VOOP!  
  
DONT'T WORRY BOUT PUFFY HES COOL WIT DAT ZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ ZZZ ZAP! (repeat)  
  
THIS IS THE ROCKINIST SCHOOL OF ALL ZIPP ZZZZ ZZ ZZZZZZZ ZAPPY ZOOPY ALL! I WAS PEEPIN IN MY COOL CRIB WHEN THAT OL' FOGEY D-DORE KNOCKED ALL LOUD ON MY SHACK! SAY WHAT? (P.P.P.D.D.D.D.) SAY WHAT! (dumbledore's voice) SAY WHAT? (P.P.P.D.D.D.D.) SAY WHAT!(d-dore's voice) SO WE WAS CHILLIN, GRILLIN, CATCHIN SOME X'S ON MA BACK  
  
SO PEEP THIS YOU F**X**** ***Q*** *** * *MM**** **J***!!! AN' I WAS CHILLIN LIKE A MANIAC WHEN D-DORE SEZ: "I GOTS A JOB FOR YOU AND I SAY "WHELL I GOTS A JOB FOR ME TOO" D-DORE THEN TAKEZ TO LAY IT ON DA LINE VOO VOOPY VOOPY VOOP ZZZZ ZZ ZZOOP!"YOUS GOTTA COME WITH ME, GET IN TA THIS HAT, YOU GOT THAT? BAM! CAUSE I'M WASTIN NO TAM!" "THERE'S THIS TWO COOL HOUZEZZZZ THAT NEED YO HELP! THE FIRST ON COOL GRYFFINDOOR AND SLYTHERIN I'S HATES!!" SO I SAYS TO DUMMY" SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT! SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT! And it goes on like that but I don't have time to finish it. Anyway.. Saphirra Almondcrunch sat nervous on the sorting stool while the SORTIN HAAAAAAT pondered its decision.  
  
"Well, youse is realluhy kickin so I mites as well put your curly head in Gryphhindoor gots that?" Saphirra Almondcrunch who wasn't scared at all shook her girlish locks and went to sit down at the Gryffindor table. Harry was so charmed by her beautifulness, that he burst out crying. It was then that a change came over him. A nonsensical, whimsical, foolish, maybe even painful change. He grew over seven feet tall, formed huge muscles big as watermelons, got a stylish hair cut, white teeth, and a coppery tan (..And a HUGE dose of UV light). Everyone looked at him, and salivated. The author wept with self- pity, wondering whether to destroy him and end it all. Then they (Not me) suddenly seemed to see this as if he had always been this way. But several girls creeped closer to him, and clasped to his giant, repulsive muscles, leech-like, giggling. The author is so sickened that one of them turns into a centipede, and leaves.  
  
AUTHOR GETS BORED! FINGERS GET HURT! TUNE IN LATER!!! BYE! 


	4. The long awaited chapter of 4rdness! AKA...

A/N: Sorry it took so long.  
  
THE LONG AWAITED CHAPTER OF 4RD -NESS!  
  
While Harry was flexing his muscles, and Saphirra was getting psycic premonitions about what dress she would wear to the dance, a certain boy was not in the great hall..  
  
Draco was sobbing. Now that his father was teaching at the school as the Dicsapline Professor, he knew his dreams were squashed. He sat in a corner, and began to wiggle his fingers in midair, humming.  
  
Hermione had just turned the corner to that corner, and Draco was cornered!  
  
"Oh, its YOU, Draco. I hate you"  
  
"I despise mudbloods, and do not fall in love wit dems, but could not hate anyone who would allow me to follow my dream"  
  
"What is the dream?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I cannot tell you."  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"To..To..Play the electric grand piano. But my father says only muggles use music or plays it, and had all the pianos in Malfoy Kingdom burned." Draco wiped a tear away.  
  
"Oh, Draco, I just so happen to have brought my electric grand piano from home. You.you can come practice on it, but only at night, so that your father shall never know!" She left.  
  
Another meanwhile.  
  
Meanwhile, Dumbledore was suddenly in his office, looking grim. "Proffesssssssssor Micky-Gonigal, how is the dimensional portal?"  
  
"Nice and good, headmaster! I have found what we is wantsy! Yarooo!"  
  
"Good! This is very important. I hate Slytherin!"  
  
Suddenly, the inter-dimensional portal that was in front of them began to emit strange music, and Dumbledore whispered, "Yes, this is where we shall find the new students. They are a bit old for school, but me no care! I IS TOTALLY RADICAL!" He did the moon-walk, and then looked again at the portal. It was now showing a Technicolor island. In a Technicolor sea.  
  
"Zoom in" commanded Dumbledore.  
  
Now a boat was visible, crashed on the shore. Written on the boat's hull was: "S.S. Minnow" Dumbledore nodded, and flicked his wand on.  
  
Hagrid had also just found what he was looking for. The Secret of Ultimate- ness. He knew now that there was a great threat coming to Hogwarts, he put on armour, and began to wait, not to be mentioned in the story for a while.  
  
As the sun set, the author scowled and looked on the scene as you would a car crash, or a cockroach. She suddenly saw that this fanfiction gig was a great detriment in a healthy idea of the level of enlightenment in their fellow man. 


	5. 5: THE TWISTED TURNINGPOINTS

THE TWISTED TURNING-POINTS A/N: Sorry for the wait. My sanity had taken over. Draco realized he had left his smirk-hold-spray in the great hall, so he pranced off towards the tables, humming as he went. As Malfoy passed the Gryffindor table, Harry punched him in the head just before collapsing under the weight of all the girls in Gryffindor house, except Hermione, whose thoughts lay only in poor unconscious Snape (who was struck by Dumbledore's goblet earlier in the story). "Oh yeah!" remembered Hermione, "I am in love with..Draco? Or do I still refuse to believe that I could be in love with him? I guess I'm still in denile." She turned up her nose, but sighed lovingly, tossing her syrup-golden locks. Snape's absence was troubling though, deep deep deep deep underneath the school, in the dimension room, Dumbledore was pacing beside the compunctuous (fictional Blackadder word referring to sadness or regret from the episode with the dictionary) McGonagall. "Your boyfriend is late" growled the upset Dumbledore, putting his burger-king Wizerd-Watch, which got broken when it fell in the sand box earlier that afternoon, away. "He's not my boyfriend!" cried McGonagall in reference to the allusion to Snape by Dumbledore. The argument dissolved into a hair pulling, name-calling fight. While the two seniors wrestled however, one of their legs kicked against the "Ultimate Extreme Super This-Is-It Get Ready To Rumble" lever that operated the plot device which causes stories to cross over (it takes the form of a dimensional portal here). From out of nowhere there was a terrible bang that shook the school! (The Rappin-Hat cursed in dismay as it fell off a crudely-constructed shelf) Dumbledore and McGonagall looked up in time to see a rather gangly pseudo youth, a portly, angry man, a movie star with a smoker/makeup-a-holic look, a millionaire, the millionare's wife and the rest emerge from the portal before it closed until the end of the story, with no hope of opening it before then. A voice cried out "Where are we Skipper?" before everything went black because it was time for a scene shift. Ginny was in her dormitory, mixing up a super-secret potion. Yes, Ginny, the former "Good-Girl" of Hogwarts. (She was suddenly known as this, even though no-one EVER called her the "Good Girl" of Hogwarts.) She was mixing up a potion to make Harry be bound to her forever. BUT! A moth flew into the potion, and was crushed under the extreme sappy-ness of the angsty, UNWRITTEN IN THIS FIC though-italics-monologue going on in Ginny's head, with such phrases as: "Oh, since first I saw you..how can I be free from the love I wish to see from you too me? I wish it wasn't so hard to truly remember the honey-battered jasmine scent of your moon-lit brow, in the amourous station, when we first met! I, a helpless young beauty, you, my true love, hearts twined as one, until the train pulled you away, and destroying your memory of that moment!!"..anyway. Many paragraphs of that, and tears trickling, nose-quivering etc..hardening into a resolve to make him hers no-matter what! And she would NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN! Oops! I mean, NEVER GO HARRY-LESS AGAIN! --Back to that crushed moth. What the potion NOW did, thanks to it, was to make the drinker switch bodies with their true CRUSH. (Get it? Crush.crush? Hahaha..bah.) SHUT UP! Now, till next time: Don't sue me, oh writers of the fics I mock! 


	6. Another Step Too Dratted Far

A/N: That's Right! After months of hiding, right when I had almost forgot about the treacheries of bad fanfictions, the disgrace they bring to the literate, the shame they bring to lovers of books...I came back. The fight was not won. The fifth book came, and stirred the hearts of half-baked writers, inspiring them to spoil something perfectly good even MORE. I hadn't thought it possible. The damage is done, the war goes on. May my wit teach you a lesson. Oh yeah, not only do none of the Harry Potter characters, I don't own the "Gilligan's Island" characters. Did you think I did?  
  
CHAPTER THE SIXTH: Yet Another Step Too Dratted Far.  
  
Dumbledore explained to the cast of "Gilligan's Island" that they were going to attend Hogwarts for an undetermined period of time, maybe to fulfil some prophecy. The little group of adults was disappointed that they weren't really saved (They were reassured they'd be returned to the island soon, with their memories erased. But then someone dropped a coin, and everyone bent down to get it at once. Their heads conked together, and they happily accepted their acceptance into Hogwarts. Even Skipper. They were all sorted into Gryffindor, by the hat who was still upset about falling over, and through the stream of swear words McGonagall decided Gryffindor was as good a guess as any. Gilligan tripped over six chairs, dropped a pile of dishes on Snape (Hey! How'd he get there? What plates?), and broke the professor's coconut radio in the way out. Meanwhile, Ginny fluttered her eyes open. "What.happened.to.. ..me?..where..is..Harry?..what?...who?...how?..ohhh, my head." The last thing she remembered was one of her weepy little tears, like a liquid diamond, flying, surely, lovingly, towards the potion..that's right, the potion! Then what?! Then what?! Whoa, hold your horses! We're getting to that. Anyway, a shower of violet sparks and crazy-berries flew out, forming an all-new fruity flavour! Crazzleberry-Stripe! With new color-changing, glow in the dark wacky-sprinkles! Gee! There was also thick smoke. There was smoke so that there would be something to clear when Ginny woke up. She brushed off the bits of cereal and stumbled towards a mirror for some reason. She looked in it, and gasped. That wasn't HER looking back at herself! It was..um..(flips randomly through book).um...Justin! Justin Finch-Fletchley! She swooned. She was enamoured! She really hadn't known him, but she had seen him once or twice. Maybe Harry was only a foolish idea, to bury her feelings for Justin! Of course, she didn't know what the name of the boy was. But she liked the face! So she gazed at it for many long minutes, curling his curly curls, loving the way his nose wasn't perkily turned up. Finally, she stood up, and walked away from her dresser. Then she realized something. Only their bodies were switched. This led her to three mental concepts. "Wheres' is MY pretty body?" was the first one, the second was, "My, I'm's a bit tall for this little skirts!" and the third was, "He's are got nice legs!" Man, is she dumb. The atmosphere of fanfictions make you stupid. So where WAS her body? Let's see.. Justin had been having a good day. He had finished his homework, and was sitting with his friends, practicing hexes and such on each other. Suddenly, his friend put a "Lilliputionatus!" curse on him. As the words left his unnamed friend's mouth, a shower of cereal burst from no-where, and they all got scared and ran away, leaving Justin. He was temporarily knocked out. But not for long!  
  
Elsewhere, Luscious Malfoy, (No, not a typo. There are many fanfic authors who spell it that way.), Lucius Malfoy's clone, and Lucius was sick, so he took over the job of being Draco's father, was on his way to Hogwarts. He wanted to be sure to keep any electric-grand-piano-playing from going on. He was surrounded by a malicious haze of self-pride and egotism, accented by his pompous mask, that he used to hide his deep sorrow, but he was also mean, but he was too haughty and rich too not allow no meaness to be happening to his only son, who was so much like himself that Luscious wanted him to act the same, maybe even change the name, the ancient name of his OWN father, that old bat, Draco, but he wouldn't haunt him still, no, Luscious would turn Draco into an evil version of his grandfather, that grandfather who turned Luscious into an evil version of himself; bitter tears almost flow from his stony eyes, as he sneered, ready to make sure Draco would succeed...and never EVER follow his dreams. What a sentence. What does it even mean? The tenses! Where did they go?!  
  
A/N: How awful. You read it, didn't you? Sorry. I had to work my hardest at re-creating the horrors of fanfictions, and I think I succeeded. Look forward to my next chapter, which may come next week or next year, fighting against the wretched "Order of the Phoenix" fanfics. Till then, I will smash my computer to bits. Toodle-Ooo! 


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